I know that I make a lot of jokes about having a healthy fattitude, bathing one’s life in chocolate and other general gluttonous joys.
But at the end of the day, always remember that the greatest pleasures of eating stem from people, not products.
Food is about love, about relationships and about stories.
And with a touchy-feely intro like that, you know I have a story coming.
Please let me tell you about my friend, Mallory. Call her Mal-Pal for short. Mal-Pal happens to be one of my best friends in the whole wide world… and this past weekend marked her birthday.
Mallory and I first met in ballet class at age 12. I despised her.
We began attending school together at age 14. She terrified me.
We started drawing ridiculously rude illustrations and notes to one another at age 15. We grew to be best friends.
Now, she is 20. She is incredibly old and decrepit. And I’m just trying to figure out where the past 8 years went.
There is one little thing you should know about Mallory. She’s Weird.
To truly understand this cake, you first have to understand Mal.
You my friend, will never understand Mal. Don’t try. You might hurt yourself.
We can just leave it at, this girl is kinda out there… Thus, she needed a cake that’s equally eccentric.
Once upon a time, I was a rather different person. Back then, Mal sort of looked after me. She was my nagging grandma. I never thanked her enough for that.
These days, we’ve switched up roles a bit. Now, she calls me mom. I bake her cookies, then tell her to go do homework and clean her nasty room. She loves it.
So what kind of mother would I be if I were to leave my little princess without a big fat cake on her birthday?
Only problem is, the brat despises regular cake…
Mama loves it when cheesecake becomes the unquestionably right thing to do.
Cheesecake makes me happy. Decadent cheesecake rocks my world. But I’m not gonna lie, this cheesecake is wicked. Even for me.
This is no cake for the faint of heart. There’s a reason we’re not calling it the “Pretty Princess Cheesecake” or the “Princess Dianna Cheesecake.” We’re dominating parliament with this beast.
Let’s break her down… Brownie layer crust topped with 2 lbs of bourbon cheesecake filling, coated in bourbon caramel sauce, then drizzled with chocolate, topped with crushed Snickers, and adorned with cookie dough bites and chocolate covered bacon.
Evil. Pure malicious evil.
For normal folks, who don’t think they can walk the path of a dirty princess, just going so far as making the base cheesecake and serving each slice with warm bourbon caramel sauce would not be a bad idea at all.
However, if you do so decide to take a safer route, you may want to call your cake something other than “the dirty princess.” Some people might not be too keen on something idealizing corrupt royalty. Psh.
We are coming to the close of my sweet little story …which really wasn’t much of a story at all. I’m actually not all that skilled of a story-teller. Whoops.
What I’d like everyone to take away from my poorly delivered story:
- Breaking bread with people is an extremely powerful thing. Never underestimate the muscle of a meal.
- I need to start planning out my birthday cake(s) now. Two months, 11 days. Get brainstorming people.
- My Pal Mal is an old, crusty, bizarre, dirty princess. Happy Birfday kid.
Dirty Princess Cheesecake
For the crust
- 1 box brownie mix + the required ingredients for preparation
For the filling
- 4 (8 oz) packages cream cheese, softened
- ¾ cup sugar
- 4 large eggs
- 2 tbsp flour
- ¼ cup heavy cream
- ¼ cup bourbon
- 1 tsp vanilla
For the sauce
- 1/3 cup butter
- 1/3 cup heavy cream
- 3/4 cup light brown sugar
- 2-3 tbsp bourbon
- 8 fun-sized Snickers candy bars, crushed
- 1 cup semi sweet chocolate bits
- 1 tbsp butter
- 1 package store-bought cookie dough
- 6 slices bacon
Preheat oven to 350 F. Grease a 9 or 10 inch springform pan and securely wrap the bottom with tin foil. Set aside.
Prepare the brownie mix according to directions for fudgey brownies. Pour the batter into your prepared pan and bake for 25 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to cool on a wire rack for 10 minutes
In a large mixing bowl beat the cream cheese until fluffy, then beat in the sugar. Add eggs one at a time, completely mixing each one in before adding the next. Beat in the flour, then the whipping cream, bourbon, and vanilla.
Pour the filling onto the brownie crust layer and bake at 350F for 50-60 minutes. The center will still be jiggly when you remove it from the oven. Allow the cake to cool completely on a wire rack, then refrigerate overnight (or for at least 8 hours). Run a knife around the edge of the pan and remove the sides.
For the garnishes, Roll each pre-cut cookie dough bit into a ball place on a wax paper-lined cookie sheet and place in the freezer. Fry the bacon & allow to drain on paper towels (*Note: you may wish to cut the bacon slice in half, or irregular lengths depending on how you wish to decorate the cake). Melt the butter in a saucepan over low heat. Add in the chocolate, stirring constantly until melted and smooth. Dip each cookie dough ball in the chocolate and return to cookie sheet. Do the same for each slice of bacon. Place the chocolate coated garnished in the freezer until ready for use. Reserve the excess melted chocolate.
For the sauce, heat the butter, cream, and brown sugar in a saucepan over medium heat until the sugar is dissolved. Bring the mixture to a boil and reduce heat, allow to simmer for 4 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat and allow the sauce to cool for 3-5 minutes. Stir in the bourbon. Let the sauce rest and allow to thicken slightly (about 5-7 minutes).
Pour the thickened sauce over the cheesecake, allowing it to run down the sides. Drizzle leftover melted chocolate over top and sprinkle crushed Snicker crumbs in an even layer. Adorn with cookie dough bites and bacon as you please.