Saltine Toffee Bark

 I realized today that it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted a recipe for any sort of real food.

Guess what…it’s that time of the year. You’re suppose to be fat-ish. I genuinely replace meals with cookies.

If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me.

 This seems like a terribly odd starting point for a candy bark, but trust me, just  go with it.

As soon as I came across this crisp buttery chocolatey treat on Tastespotting, I knew I would be an awful terrible person if I failed to include it in my holiday confectionary.

 I love recipes like this.

Recipes that are way too easy for your own good, totally delicious and addictive, and infinitely adaptable.  

I’m also a pretty big fan of candy recipes that don’t ask me to break out a candy thermometer. I shamefully admit that I am indeed one of those people who’s scared of them. I once had a horrible experience with burnt sugar…it involved a bloody hand, a massacred pot, and a lot of black sticky tar-like goo…I ‘don’t like to talk about it.

 I topped my bark with white chocolate chips, because that’s what was in my pantry. You could throw on some nuts…or crushed pretzels…or perhaps some chopped candy… or heck, why not all of the above?  We’re being lardy together, remember?

We’re not gonna feel bad about that lardiness either. No sir, we will be shameless..

I honestly think it’s part of the holiday spirit. It’s really grey and blah outside, my daddy is currently in the kitchen making sloppy joes, I’m in my pjs at 12:30 pm contemplating what my next addition to Santa’s cookie plate should be… and frankly, what about any of that says that I should be out on a jog?

Nothing, that’s what. At the end of a year, we all need a little relief from the hectic constraining schedules and junk, yeah?

Whatever, if you’re heading to the gym right now,  just stay away from me and my lazy logic. Baking cookies while jamming to Christmas music makes me happy… and I firmly believe in the pursuit of happiness. Ya dig?

 I just reread that…I promise I’m not obese or anything. I’m into healthy living, really I am. I’m not telling you to go gaining 30 lbs or anything, just relax and enjoy your holiday. That’s all.

Shoot, I’ll go on a walk with you later. Let’s do it, I’m game. Just lemme have my sloppy joe first and then we can come back to my house and have eggnog and cookies. Okay? Yes, I’m excited.

Oh hey, check out the pretty sugar cookies my friend made for me.

So sweet, right? They were her personal hybrid of traditional sugar cookie and buttery shortbread. She’s such a cookie aminal.

Alright, let’s wrap this up.

Saltine Toffee Bark is way yum and oober easy, so it’d be silly of you to not make some. It’s really okay to have a few more cookies in your life and a little less stress around Christmas time, you deserve that. You should also share cookies with your friends…because it makes them happy.

Ima get at my manwich now.

Jealous much?

Saltine Toffee Bark

Adapted from Chocolate and Carrots

  • Saltine Crackers (about 1 and 1/2 sleeves)
  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • 1 stick butter
  • 2 cups semisweet chocolate chips


Preheat oven to 350°.

Line a baking sheet with non-stick foil and spray with cooking spray. Line with one layer of saltines, leaving no space between crackers.

In a pot, add the butter and brown sugar and heat on medium-high heat until boiling. Once boiling, remove from heat and evenly pour over the saltines.

Bake for about 5 minutes until the toffee is boiling all over. Remove from oven and sprinkle the chocolate chips over the toffee. Let them sit for a minute until they are melted.

With a knife, spread the chocolate evenly over the toffee. At this point you can go ahead and put the toffee in the refrigerator and let it cool for 30 minutes, or while the chocolate is still soft, you can sprinkle some of the following: crushed pretzels, sprinkles, nuts, then refrigerate the toffee.

 Once set, break into pieces and store in an air tight container.

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